It’s odd how I think of all the great things I need to write about, then finally sit down to type them…and they’ve escaped. Blah! Silly brain.
To refocus, though, apparently Whitesnake “Here I Go Again” of all things….Don’t ask, I’m scratching my head on it too. *grin* I guess I’m in the mindset to examine what I kinda have with people twice in the past week. The last big breakup and the preceding relationship, and, naturally, how it set the stage, hell, pretty much was the direct catalyst in many ways, of the paradigm shift of last month.
Let’s look at it backwards (more or less), as hindsight goes that direction anyway)
For a couple weeks after the breakup I was in the natural emotional maelstrom of questions, vacillating wildly on the stages of grief, and generally being as “checked out” as I could be mentally and still function and do my job. We all know that place, so I’ll not dwell on it (though if you mercifully don’t I’ll be glad to tell you about it over drinks). Anyway, a couple weeks after the breakup (which was the Saturday after Christmas, just for time frame reference) she asks me to come over so she can better explain the who’s, whats, and wherefores.
At the time, I really am not sure what I was expecting or hoping for: closure? a logical reason? several? an emotional salve? for me? for her? I think I honestly only really agreed to it because I thought it would help her with the “sorting out my issues” which she stated as why we had to split up. (As an aside, I get that, I respect that reason, even if I didn’t believe that it would help. She did, and therefor it would help, right?)
For privacy reasons I can’t, or won’t, go into the actual items discussed. Suffice to say I left realizing there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done to prevent it, had done my best for her and the relationship, and it simply wasn’t going to work.
Some small amount of time passes, I come down off the semi-relieved balloon ride. Wait a second! These events and issues she talked about in the past, they coincide with this, this, this and this in our relationship, the getting together after pining for/wooing her for 6 months after she friend-zoned me the first time, the friend-zoning, etc., etc. etc. *frowny face with Spock eyebrow* Hold the phone. When I asked her “why now” when it finally happened and got “You weren’t what I was expecting, but you were what I needed,” correlates with (redacted)…..motherf-er. Was it all just an experiment? Was I just an excuse? A cover? A source of budgetary supplement? Was the entire relationship a sham? A game? Had everything I’d done, tried to do, and sacrificed been a carefully cultivated response, knowing my giving nature and level of love, to get what she wanted?
Flash forward to making it through the hell month that was April. I’ve come to realize it doesn’t really matter what it was from her side. It was real for me. I did what I could, what I thought I should, and probably more than most would have. Through consciously trying to get out there more, meeting new people, making new friends, hanging out with existing friends…admittedly, at some points simply faking it until I made it, I’ve come through it. I’ve dealt with it and, aside from those really tired/stressed times when everyone replays “crap”, it’s a closed door. Hands washed. Soul purged. Paradigm shifted. 😉
I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve had even more amazing conversations. I think, for the first time I can remember in a very long time, I’m not internally disjointed. There are no blinders on. No fear of people evaporating if I share how I got here, the good and the bad. I’ve realized that I have more to offer than just being the “nice guy.” I’m, for lack of better way to put it, wholly myself again. Who I am outside matches the inside again.
And I’m pretty damn awesome, apparently…but I wouldn’t be “here” without the amazing people I have in my ‘verse. New and old. So thank you.